Can't seem to get to sleep, guess I am still worried about dad. Been thinking over quite a fair bit over my existence since the previous job. It's my 'little red mini bits'theory that I've grappled with my whole life. Well something happened late this evening which has triggered off this deep feeling once again.Nothing catastrophic but enough to bring the tears on.
Ever feel like you are all alone? Those fears started for me when my mom passed away. Suddenly the true lines on dad's face started showing, you could see how much he aged suddenly. I felt all alone again when he started his travels and now, with the recent TIA attack and his constant,'live for so long already' phrase is unnerving. You have to be an only kid to truly understand how I feel.The utter sense of being so completely alone. Calls to mind the hymn, Pilgrim Song. I'm not the most pious Christian/Catholic around. Hell, given the circumstances of Jun 2002, it's been a slow ride in the religion department.But 'Pilgrim Song'is one of my favorites.There's a line in it which says,
'Man is lonely by birth, man is only a pilgrim on earth'.
Loneliness is hitting me really hard tonight. I've been left behind once again, I'm still on the outside looking iN, as I have always been throughout my life's journey. That's the main reason why I have been retreating into the shell since I left RS in 2004 (well, and the secondary reason was work was really hell at the next stop). I'm the spare tyre that gets thought of when there suddenly seems to be a spare ticket. I'm the afterthought after you finish your final sentence on a page. Coz I knew I would be forgotten and that somehow, I'd never be able to fit in ever again. Maybe I didn't reciprocate, as I have been once or twice accused. Or perhaps I have been too caught up in the messy life.
You know, even with family, I'm just called upon when a favour is needed.Can only think at the moment of one very special person who has been watching over me since last year whenever she's back in town. It's a horrible feeling overcoming me to know that I don't really matter enough to people who matter to me.
It hurts so I am just going to ignore it or do what we do when we have a hang nail. Pull it out, even if it bleeds and forget it. And if it still bothers you, then drastic measures need to be taken.
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2 comments:
Hey I am also from Singapore. Hope to me you someday.....my favorite song is also "Man is lonely by birth...."....
and all those lonely feelings u have have been felt by me too....
since the age of 12 i have been obsessed with the concept of death.....and every now and then i will have nightmares about death...i often imagine myself lying in a coffin permanently under the ground for 1000 yrs, 10000 yrs, and surrounding it is dark, dark, black forest etc. Horrible feelings, and worst, I had very bleak hopes of anything after death.....the result of knowing so much about science.....sorry, may be still not knowing enough.....but there exists too many things contradictions in all the religious teachings.......
Call me 96809281 (HP) to discuss further.....
Hi, I'm from Singapore as well.
I'd just like to say that you're not alone, and I can really relate to your being 'the spare tyre that gets thought of when there suddenly seems to be a spare ticket'. I've spent a lot of time feeling lonely and wishing there was someone I could tell, and at the same time knowing I could only rely on myself to understand.
I don't really know what can be done about that, and sometimes I almost want the feeling to continue - I don't want people to understand or to try to, which makes it confusing. But it suffices to say you're not alone!
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