The day my world caved in

Today I found out that the parents I have had for the past 34 years of my life aren't my biological parents. All this after a very trying time watching my dad through his very sudden passing. In other words I am adopted. My life and the shit that has happened since July 2001 has come full circle. Everyone around me knew, I was the only fool who wasn't invited to his own birthday party. I have lost all hope.

Thank You

It's been a tough time. I am sorry I have not been able to blog and it's taking a lot of courage to post an entry today. Yesterday was a week since dad passed away. My cousins left and returned to our hometown,the Anamabas Islands. My cousin Abik, who is also my aunt by marriage, was so worried about me that she decided to brave the journey from the South China Sea to come visit me again in Feb next year.

I just want to say a big THANK YOU to all my family and friends who came by the hospital or the wake or funeral. If I didn't get a chance to speak to you, I do apologise. It's hard being the only kid and not be able to split myself between friends, relations and prayer group. Thanks too for the generosity, I did worry a little about expenses but managed to cover that with all your help.I collected Dad's ashes on Mon 18 Dec and we are waiting for the new marble slab to be ready before placing his ashes, alongside mom's at Holy Family Church, Katong. This is what he wanted when mom passed away in Jul 2001.

I can't write now without shedding a tear; I can't bring myself to pack daddy's things so I won't just yet. I'm going to go do some housework now to take my mind of him awhile.

Update on Dad 11 Dec 9:09pm

Those who know me, also know that my Chinese names translates to 'Plum Blossom'.(Thanks Dad! I have been the butt of all jokes not in my childhood days over this but NOW!) So her is an 'AH HUI' sitting in the middle of NUH Level 2 with Laptop writing a a blog. I have finally found a spot where I can log on to my NUS Visitor account.

Anyway, I could not have blogged today, as dad had quite a few visitors. They have lowered the level of sedatives and medications, but the prognosis remains the same. To be prepared for anything not so good. Sedatives have worn off and his eyes are open. He keeps them open and shuts them. I am convinced he can hear us, though it seems his gaze may not be focused entirely on us. It can be scary, as it reminds me of what mom went through in her last few days. Nope shall not let negativity get to me.

I had to call NUH's Quality Service Office. They must think I am the BIGGEST you-know-what around. But this Ah Hui got slang a bit also and spoke in her crispest Washingtonian accent. Always does the trick. I am trying not to be on edge. But at times, when the emotions are raw, tempers may flare.

After a few days around ICU & CCU, you start to recognise other families around you. Well, Drakon and I were in Ward 23 waiting rm (yes we got a spot - 'tiok bey pio' (struck the lottery in Hokkien, shall not use the cruder version, as I know my BIG cousins in Canada are reading this blog and I have a SQUEAKY CLEAN reputation to maintain). I was in and out of dad's room. Then this patient from the wards above came down, with an entourage of 7 family members. I could hear the family remark that this place is a good place to hangout as it has free TV. One of the men i n the group, reaches the Volume switch and turns it up REAL LOUD. All this without considering the rest of the CCU patients' families who had spent the night in hospital, in the very lounge and were trying to rest. Oh yes, and one of them had a major pong which made me feel like throwing up.

So I suggested to a very sleepy Drakon that we should go have lunch out of NUH and try one of the new cafes at the University Cultural Centre. So we did but we took the wrong internal NUS Shuttle. NUS is on a ridge - so ups and downs are all over. Well, someone decided to climb up the hill back to the free car park slot our Pasir Panjang Kakis told me about. Can die ah! I should have been in CCU after lugging a 2kg lap top and other toiletries up the steep slope.

Was nice to get away and eat at a 'posh' place - don't ask how much lunch was. Food was usual price for a bistro setting. Coffee served with Irish Cream cost the same price as a small latte at one of the 'ang mo' kopi joints. Drakon said definitely going back but not asking for water this time ($3 per bottle - we had 3!) I just had salad - can't hold much down.

I am rambling again! Anyway, time to go check on dad. Will post again if I don't lose my signals.

Update on Dad 11 Dec 9:21am

I could not blog at NUH, as I seem to have lost the NUS Wireless connection after the last update. I got the Wireless@SG site but it's so slow. What to do? Free service. The connection always gets lost!

I left NUH around 9 or so last nite. Same thing to report as the last update. Everyone just keeps telling me to be prepared for the worst. At times I get tired of updating everyone, not coz I am being selfish but repetition isn't fun. Then I have also got to deal with situations where people may say 'see la, never watch his diet' or 'why didn't you take him to see a doctor earlier?'. It's as if I'm being slapped on with a negligence suit.

Thanks for all who have stopped by my blog to keep updated. Thanks for prayers and the affirmation. My house is a mess, my clothes unwashed and unironed. I also have one mischievous kitten to deal with when I get home. Sonic is a little down, knowing that he can't 'bully' his kongkong for more treats or more food. I let him sleep with me the first night but he got scratched by lil Ms Halia for poking his nose near her face. So if you come to my house anytime soon, please don't complain that it looks like a beggar's hovel. My spring cleaning process got stopped half way due to the project and now dad.

Over and out and hopefully you'll be able to get updates on my blog.

Update on Dad for Sunday 10 Dec 12:50pm

I came back to see Dad at 11am. I spent the night at the Coronary Care Unit, waiting for dad and walking in to check on him periodically. Had contemplated going home to sleep but just couldn't put myself to it. In this battle, my mind and heart won over my body. I went home around midnite, dumped the laptop at home, as I was afraid it might be stolen if I dozed off to sleep. Hence the lack of blog updates. Came back after I took shower.

E,along with S & CL came to keep me company. Wasn't much company as I was very sleepy and tired. Told them not to worry around 3am? and got them to go home and rest. I must have dozed off around 5am and woke up on time at about 7am to catch one of the CCU cardiologists.Went home intending to shower and go back to NUH but dozed off till about 10am. How could I have?

Latest on dad is that he is marginally more stable than yesterday PM. But he isn't out of the woods yet. The cardiologist on duty said that if he pulls through, he'll be in CCU/ICU for at least another 3-4 days. It's pretty much supportive care at the moment; treatment will come after this.

I've had to 'move back' to the ICU Waiting Lounge. The 2 lounges at CCU are always full of families, who seem to be having picnics in the waiting areas. The mess left behind is incredible. I almost puked early this am when I moved to the smaller of the CCU Lounges. Someone had left a trail of yesterday's lunch and dinner all over the wood laminate floors. Coupled with the fact that the door was closed, the smell lingered in the room. Don't get me wrong, I'm not against all this family bonding.My friends and family must have contributed to other visitors' chagrin yesterday as well. But we tried to confine ourselves to a corner, as well as keep our volumes down. However, I noticed that some other visitors are oblivious to the nursing staff's pleas. Definitely, it's a lot better here than it was when mom was warded in SGH. I remember scolding a few little tykes and getting nurses to threated them with injections.

Thanks for all the prayers. Must say a big THANK YOU to Fr Clifford & Fr Jivan & Fr Joe Nathan of the Franciscans/St Mary's parish. Between them, they arranged to get one of them over to give Dad the anointing of the sick.

Will have my next post whenever I can. I think I'm going to just take a short nap for awhile.

Update on dad 10.46pm

It's not good news. Dad has been moved to Coronary Care Unit. Technically it should be a 'downgrade', which in medical terms should be a good thing. But in this case, it's really grim. He may not pull through the night and I am not ready for that eventuality. All this happened all so suddenly. Everyone tells me to be prepared; I have called whoever I can remember. Though dad has moved, I am still at hanging around the ICU LOUNGE, coz it's quieter and safer.

The doctors are doing another dialysis on him. They can't do much either. It' really touch & go. I am not going to lie to anyone and say I didn't cry. Coz I did. A LOT. And I don't think it'll be the end.

I've sent EVERYONE home. I'm here alone. Just waiting. Hoping.

Update on Dad 2:24pm

Had a steady flow of family and dad/s friends in. Just got back from lunch but food at kOPITIAM is uninspiring.Unlike the rest of NUS, which is full of Spinelli stands, NUS is SPINELLI free. Yeap, trust a foodie to always look for food in even the most dire of situations.

Dad has got out of his sedated state. But that's where the nurses are going to find resistence. He was struggling even though he has been tied down to the bed. He's trying to force the tubes out of his throat. I went in and managed to hold his hand for a bit.

It's really painful to see him struggle. His friends and my 3rd aunt, my godsis, my cousin were all surprised to see him so worn down. It's even harder when you live in the same house and never realise what's been going on. Again, the guilt, frustration and self-blame sinks in. I just hope and want my dad to pull out of this. Even if he's going to be less than 100%, I just hope God gives him more time. There's so much more we haven't done together yet.

Haven't got any news from the doctors - the ICU team or the cardiologist yet. They say 'No news is good news.' One can only hope so.

Latest Update at 9:51am

I'm waiting at the ICU Waiting Lounge. Dad had a dialysis last night. It did the trick for a while but it seems that his kidneys have shut down as they can't get any more water out of him. At 9:18am, the Staff Nurse in charge of ICU called and said that they were putting a breathing tube as he complained of increasing breathing difficulties.

Doctor gave an update - the cardiologist will be back down to review him in a bit. Seems he may suffered a silent heart attack without realizing it. It could have triggered the TIA episode last Friday. For now it's a wait. I broke down after the doc walked away. We still can't see him as they're doing an x-ray. I broke down after the doc talked to me. I must have also scared the guy who was in the waiting lounge, I wasn't that loud. It's scary knowing that dad's 2 vital organs are really weak. It's scarier even to hear his constant comment that he 'won't live past 79 or 80 any way', he's at that thereshold. Dad has a reputation for being a 'ou ya zhui'(in Chinese) - bad stuff he says always comes true. ALWAYS.

Why am I blogging and putting on morbid info? Hell, where's the sense of propriety in such a grave (no puns intended) situation. It's the only way for me to say the things I just can't say, the feelings trapped inside an abyss of emotions. A way to deal with the guilt and the frustration of 'WHY DIDN'T Is'.

I'm so full of it, I'm numb. The RMBR assignment is a GODSEND - it means I can visit dad anytime and it also means I have the wifi connection while waiting here. It's a most nerve wrecking feeling. Now if I can only find a wall socket to charge my laptop.

Update on Dad

I just got back after a 6 hour wait outside the A&E Dept at NUH. Thanks everyone for all your well-wishes. Feel so bad that I had to disturb your TGIFs with such news.But perhaps it's to prepare everyone in the event that you don't hear or see me for awhile.

Managed to convince my dad to go to A&E FINALLy this pm. His breathing had gotten more laborious since yesterday. Had asked Drakon to come over from work ASAP once dad agreed to go to A&E. By then, he was too tired so I had no choice but call for an ambulance.He told me to go for the non-emergency one but it was a half an hour wait. Glad I didn't listen to him. He could still ask me to pack his toothbrush and his slippers.

It was my first time riding in a SCDF Ambulance. I thought the family member accompanying the patient would be behind but that's so Hollywood. I sat upfront with the driver. Amazing how the ambulance is not well respected on S'pore roads. Think the driver finally decided to put the siren on. Even then, people didnt seem to budge.

It's scary. I am torn between guilt and frustration. I'm also not ready to lose another and my sole surviving parent. I was just beginning to have more time to spend with him. I still need him around to give me advice and a listening ear. Who'll Sonic have to bully now?

My mind is a flurry and as much as I DIDNT WANT to leave the ICU Waiting area, I don't think I could do much if I stayed on. Till tomorrow.

Thanks and big hugz to all my friends and sistas!

Breathe

Had to take the the day off from RMBR again yesterday. Dad complained that he could not breathe well Wed night but REFUSED my pleas and naggings about going to a 24hur surgery or A&E. This morning, he could stand it no more (figuratively & literally) so I dragged him to see a doc.

Even walking from car park to the clinic was difficult. He had to stop a couple of times. Pretty scary as it's not very normal for dad to be in such a state. He's a terribly stubborn old chap. Had been trying to get him to see the doc since his cough started. Met with vehement refusals every time. It was amazing how he could treat his TIA so lightly as well. His argument is always 'Waste money, doctors very expensive' or 'they pump me with anti-biotics' or 'wait expose me to more radiation by making me go for MRI or CT-Scan'. I mean I may be currently 'permanently unemployed' but no matter the cost, his health comes first.

He was sent to Mt Alvernia Medical Centre for an x-ray. After 45 minutes, we got the report. Seems he has a long infection and has been put on antibiotics. Monday there'll be a review and another X-RAy. If it doesn't clear, the hospital's next.

Whoever said been an only kid was fun? Those among you who have no siblings like me would definitely understand the anxieties that we go though. When mom fell ill, it was like a ton of bricks had being piled on my shoulders. Though not as serious, Dad's TIA episode and lung infection is enough to have me on red alert again.It's a pretty scary feeling, knowing you're helpless and trying your best to do what you can. Even harder when the patient is finicky and obstinate. Ms L was very understanding when I called the museum yesterday and told her I'd be back on Tuesday. Perhaps a silver lining has come out of my sabbatical from work. It may have been hard for me to just take urgent leave to take Dad to the doct's or stay watch at home over him.

Why does it always rain on me?

I've just come back from visiting a dear friend who just had her first baby this morning.New life is something we all look forward to but I almost couldn't make it to the hospital. I had arranged to meet 3 other friends there but missed catching up with them. Here's why.

I had planned to leave RMBR earlier but did not. However, I have finished the data entry portion of my project with them. 1,380 entries or so. It was getting dark when I left at 6pm and before I knew it, the rain started. It was relentless. Had no hands left to open the foldable brolly. Plus my pack had the lap top and my Oly and lense. One word - HEAVY! Flagged a few cabs before rain came but all of them 'buat bodoh! (feigned ignorance). Called Comfort Cab - put on hold. City Cab - line busy. Premier, SMRT - line busy.You pretty much catch the drift!

I finally got through COMFORT after 5 minutes and waited for another few to get a taxi. Thought I was lucky to finally get one - even the 18 to 25 minute wait was fine. I was already late anyway! I received a call from the cab driver 5 minutes into the wait. He was lost so I directed him. Right in front of me was another Comfort cab that had just dropped a passenger off.Tempted as I was to board it, thought since the cab I called for was on the way, I should just wait. It's the proper thing to do!

3 minutes or so later, cab driver calls and tells me he can't find Science Drive 2, though he is at Science Park. He then hints that I gave him wrong directions. That riled me. He puts down the phone and calls again some minutes later, telling me his stuck at Science Park and that I should re-start the can booking process. That's it.

I tried calling COMFORT again, getting it through only after non-stop attempts. That was followed by another wait to speak to the customer service officer. Told the officer and she puts me back on the automated queue.Didn't get any cab. Third and final try - by now rain has lightened. Poor customer service lady on the on the line coz by now I lost it! It's been 55 minutes of waiting. She tries to explain why cab driver 'blew me' off and finally agrees to help me find a cab, without putting me on the automated queue. She gets me one and he arrives 5 minutes as scheduled. He's a nice, slightly older uncle, who bothers explaining the route he's taking. HE knew I was upset and he tried his best to distract me.

I've run out of steam so Part II'll come tomorrow. My question is WHY?

Man is lonely by birth

Can't seem to get to sleep, guess I am still worried about dad. Been thinking over quite a fair bit over my existence since the previous job. It's my 'little red mini bits'theory that I've grappled with my whole life. Well something happened late this evening which has triggered off this deep feeling once again.Nothing catastrophic but enough to bring the tears on.

Ever feel like you are all alone? Those fears started for me when my mom passed away. Suddenly the true lines on dad's face started showing, you could see how much he aged suddenly. I felt all alone again when he started his travels and now, with the recent TIA attack and his constant,'live for so long already' phrase is unnerving. You have to be an only kid to truly understand how I feel.The utter sense of being so completely alone. Calls to mind the hymn, Pilgrim Song. I'm not the most pious Christian/Catholic around. Hell, given the circumstances of Jun 2002, it's been a slow ride in the religion department.But 'Pilgrim Song'is one of my favorites.There's a line in it which says,

'Man is lonely by birth, man is only a pilgrim on earth'.

Loneliness is hitting me really hard tonight. I've been left behind once again, I'm still on the outside looking iN, as I have always been throughout my life's journey. That's the main reason why I have been retreating into the shell since I left RS in 2004 (well, and the secondary reason was work was really hell at the next stop). I'm the spare tyre that gets thought of when there suddenly seems to be a spare ticket. I'm the afterthought after you finish your final sentence on a page. Coz I knew I would be forgotten and that somehow, I'd never be able to fit in ever again. Maybe I didn't reciprocate, as I have been once or twice accused. Or perhaps I have been too caught up in the messy life.

You know, even with family, I'm just called upon when a favour is needed.Can only think at the moment of one very special person who has been watching over me since last year whenever she's back in town. It's a horrible feeling overcoming me to know that I don't really matter enough to people who matter to me.

It hurts so I am just going to ignore it or do what we do when we have a hang nail. Pull it out, even if it bleeds and forget it. And if it still bothers you, then drastic measures need to be taken.

Monday Monday wasn' so good to me

Safe at home and trying to find the lil munchkin; she's run off somewhere and refused to respond to my calls. Guess I have to wait until she's hungry.

Didn't get much sleep, musing over dad's TIA attack on Friday. Called him from NUS during lunch time to check on him. He said he wouldn't touch anything in the fridge, since it's sausages or red meat. He's taking the extreme route. Drakon says like father, like daughter, noting that besides my stubborn streak, I have also inherited the 'swinging' to extremes bit from dad too! For dinner, he asked me to pack only veggies, with rice.

At least my day ended ok. It's been a week since I started at RMBR. What's that? the un-initiated may ask? Click below to find out! http://rmbr.nus.edu.sg/news/index.php?entry=/people/20061204-herpnet_ykf_molluscs.txt

I will be able to finish Part I of my project tomorrow and will move on to Part 2. It's been interesting for me (a humanities person) to learn more about bio sciences this past week. Don't worry, I have figured my way around NUS. Took me 2 days to orientate. And all would be proud of me, I DID NOT fill up my Spinelli card. Otterman keeps telling me I should invest in the Spinelli Friends Card; he got me the application today!

Tore into a slight problem this am, which Whirling Dervish knows about. Let's put it this way, I went to work in a pair of linen pants and came home with a pair of Giordano jeans. HAHA. No, it is NOT S.....ritis! Guess, the big guy in the sky must have known how tense I have been over DAD (still am actually) and needed some comic relief!

Back to drafting my emcee script. Find out more tomorrow or Wednesday! Heheh...

TIA

Been a bit quiet lately. Guess the fact that I don't have that many pix to post on my blog always gets to me. I work on my laptop most of the time since I got it in Sep n photos kept by Drakon on desktop. Somehow, very conscious of the fact I ramble so perhaps that is why I have been avoiding blogging this past week.

Discovered some new makan joints which I will blog about another time. Just discovered that my dad had an episode known as 'Transcient Ischemic Attack' or TIA on Friday. He just told me this over dinner today and in a very light, dismissive fashion. I dragged him to GP straight after dinner. He didn't want to tell GP but I forced him too. The doc said that TIA could be a sign that a stroke could be coming if he didnt watch his diet and blood pressure. He refused to go see a neurologist to run tests as he feels that MRIs and CT Scans expose on to harmful radiation.

I m feeling a lil worried and miserable about the situation. My dad is really stubborn. I am going to have a hard time convincing him. If it's not the financial factor, it's always radiation, useless and well, you catch my drift!

At a loss and miserable